Cozy Conviction

[00:00:00] Welcome to Cozy Conviction with your host, Kimberly Ring.

[00:00:20] Hey, welcome to Cozy Conviction. I’m Kimberly Ring. This is a place for warm truth and steady courage. Not spiritual perfection, not perfect parenting, just real fear brought into the presence of a real God. Today we are in Psalms 56. This Psalm is not written from a calm season. It is written inside a threat.

[00:00:45] David is not anxious at all. In theory, David is afraid for his life. He’s being chased. He is hunted, he is being watched, his words are being twisted. He is trapped in enemy territory. This particular psalm is connected to the moment when David fled to goth, the hometown tied to Goliath. This is not your normal escape plan.

[00:01:12] So when David says what he says next, it matters when I’m afraid. I will trust in you. Not after the danger passes, not once he feels calm or when he has a plan, but right here, right now in the middle of it. Now a lot of us hear that and think, okay, but that is David. We will likely never experience fear like that.

[00:01:40] And you’re very likely, right. Most of us will never be hunted through the wilderness. Most of us will never be publicly targeted in enemy territory. Yeah, you’re right. But parents, we still live inside fear. Not usually cute fear, but like chronic fear. Not a sword at the throat, but a movie in our mind.

[00:02:07] What if they get hurt? What if they fail? What if they rebel? What if I mess them up so much? They need counseling for the rest of their life. What if something happens and I cannot fix it? So here is why Psalm 56 still belongs in our lives. Fear is fear. Different intensity. Same spiritual question. Will fear lead or will God lead?

[00:02:34] Will fear become my shepherd, or will the Lord be my shepherd when I’m afraid I will trust in you? And here is something else I’ve learned. Fear rarely announces itself like in a Pixar movie, like, hello, I’m Fear. Fear puts on costumes, and when Fear puts on a costume, it calls itself good parenting. It can look responsible, it can look loving.

[00:03:05] It can even look wise. Some costumes. I’m mourn a lot. Psalm I’ve only tried on for a moment. Either way. Fear is still fear, and Psalm 56 still tells me what to do with it. Let me show you what I mean with a story from my own life. My dad once called me a helicopter mom because I could not let my 8-year-old son ride his bike around the neighborhood.

[00:03:35] He was not trying to insult me. I don’t think he would genuinely confuse because when I was six years old, my dad let me drive a John Deere riding lawnmower about half a mile through our neighborhood to another neighborhood, to the property where they were building our new house. Neither my mom or my dad were at the property, let alone following me to the property.

[00:04:04] I drove that mower there by myself, and then I played on the property by myself with absolutely no supervision. So yes, compared to him I was hovering, but here’s what was going on inside of me with my son on a bike. It was not the fear of scraped knees or the fear of cars. It was this deep, maybe irrational fear that someone would take him.

[00:04:34] And that kind of danger is not like a curb. A child cannot see it. A child cannot control it with skill or tension, and if it happens, it is not recoverable. So I felt trapped between two stories. My dad’s story said, let them roam. They will be fine. But my nervous system said, but what if they are not? So I did not solve it by pretending fear was not there.

[00:05:07] I solved it by getting accurate. I did let my son ride his bike. But within my view, as far as I could see up and down the street, now, the danger was visible cars, driveways, curves. He could see those dangers, he could manage them, and if he fell, it was recoverable. It by all means was not perfect parenting, but it was accurate parenting, and that accuracy is part of trust.

[00:05:38] So here’s a tool that helps me now separate fear from wisdom in real time. It’s called the skateboard test, and here’s why. Picture a kid at a skate park, they roll to the top of a small ramp. They pause, they look down. You can see them calculating. They can see the danger. It’s right there. They can control the danger at least somewhat with skill and attention.

[00:06:05] And if it does go wrong, the likely outcome is usually recoverable. A scraped knee, a bruised elbow, and a bruise. Ego. Now picture you standing by. Your body wants to step in and stop it. Not because you hate skateboards, but because you hate fear. But skateboarding is a perfect picture of dangerous, carefully.

[00:06:30] It is a visible risk. It builds skill and it teaches judgment. So the skateboard test is three questions you ask yourself before you intervene. Can my child see the danger? Can my child control the danger with skill and attention? If it goes wrong, it’s a likely outcome Recoverable. If the answer is yes to all three, you’re probably looking at a risk, and that’s growth territory.

[00:07:01] If the answer is no to any of them, you are probably looking at a hazard, and that is adult territory. A skate ramp is visible. A child can learn it, but hidden danger like a bad adult, a street with blind corners, a situation they cannot understand, that is not skateboarding. They cannot see it. They cannot control it, and if it does go wrong, it’s not recoverable.

[00:07:29] That is why I love this tool. It does not shame fear, it just sorts it. It keeps us from treating every moment like a life and death emergency, and it brings us right back to Psalm 56. David does not deny danger. He just refuses to let fear do the driving when I’m afraid I will trust in you. Sometimes trust looks like stepping back and letting them practice.

[00:07:57] Sometimes trust looks like stepping in and removing the hazard. The goal is not to be fearless. The goal is to be accurate than faithful. Now, let’s talk about a few costumes. Fear Wears costume. One is helicopter parroting. Helicopter. Fear says Danger is everywhere, so I must be everywhere. The hidden belief sounds loving.

[00:08:24] If I stay close enough, nothing bad will happen, but the message my child often received was this, I cannot handle life unless you are next to me. And we know in our heart of hearts, that is not the message we want our children to receive or believe. So what do we do instead? How do we honor the risk without enabling anxiety to grab hold of our children’s minds?

[00:08:55] And like most strategies, it sounds too easy or too good to be true, but in this case, it does start with the shift of mindset from hovering to observing instead of monitoring the risk by standing right next to them. I now monitor the risk by observing them from a park bench just a little bit afar. I’m still present.

[00:09:20] I’m still paying attention. I’m just not using my body to broadcast panic, and that one shift can quietly say to my child, you can do the hard things. I’m still here, but I believe you are capable. Costume two is snowplow parenting. Snowplow. Fear says, I will clear this path so nobody has to hurt. And this one got me.

[00:09:50] And for me, snowplow parenting did not always look like calling a teacher or fixing something behind the scenes. It showed up in transitions such as leaving the park, turning off the show, cleaning up toys, going to bed. I negotiated. One more minute, then another. One more minute, and then another one more minute.

[00:10:14] And my toddler and my preteen were basically just tiny union negotiators, and I was signing treaties over and over again. And if I’m honest, it was not only about my children, it was about me not wanting to experience the pain of meltdowns, their pain, my pain, everybody’s pain. So I lowered boundaries. I cleaned up messes.

[00:10:40] I rescued them from boredom and frustration. I found myself acting like Mrs. Durley trying to please my child. So discomfort never entered the room. And the moment it did feel kind, but it was not kind, because when mom always clears the path, a child’s brain learns something I cannot handle discomfort. I cannot handle waiting.

[00:11:06] I cannot handle frustration. Someone needs to rescue me snowplow. Parenting does not remove anxiety. It often beads it. And here’s the convicting part. When I was doing that, I was not just protecting my child, I was also protecting myself. I was avoiding my own discomfort. I was avoiding my own fear, and when fear is in charge, we do something spiritual.

[00:11:39] Without realizing it. We try to become God always there, always fixing, always preventing. That is not love. That is fear asking for worship. Psalm 56 confronts that gently but clearly. David is in real danger and he does not respond by grabbing control. He responds by turning. When I am afraid, I will trust in you and forced no plow parenting that trust often looks like this.

[00:12:16] I stop clearing the obstacles and I started coaching through the obstacles. I hold the boundary kindly and firmly. In two minutes, we are cleaning up. Timer goes off. It is time if they melt down. My job is not to erase the feeling. My job is to stay steady while they feel it. Because I’m not raising a child who never feels frustration.

[00:12:44] I am raising a child who can survive frustration without falling apart and overcoming this was actually so good for me and for them. I started to become an authority figure, not harsh, but steady, and my kids started to overcome anxieties. Little chores built confidence and skill. It told their brains, I am capable, and it told their heart something even bigger.

[00:13:13] My mom will not enable me. She will empower me. Costume three is achievement. Fear. Sometimes it shows up as fuel injector, parenting, and sometimes it shows up as tiger parroting. It is the fear that says the world is a competition and my child must not lose, or even worse, losing means something about me, and I wanna be honest here because this matters.

[00:13:44] I have not lived in full tiger mode. So I’m not gonna act like I can give you a guarantee formula from personal experience, but I have felt the pull of this fear in a nearby way. I have felt it when my son committed to something that asked for performance in public, such as a team, a sport, a season where you have to show up even when you feel awkward, even when you’re not the best.

[00:14:15] And my fear was not he has to become a star. It was almost the opposite. I worry that pressure would make him want to avoid the whole thing, that he might decide, if I cannot do it perfectly, I will not do it at all. And that kind of avoidance also feeds anxiety because every time we run from the moment, the moment grows.

[00:14:39] So the shift for us was not perfection. The shift was purpose. The goal was not to win. The goal was to belong, to show up, to learn how to handle nerves, and to practice doing hard things with joy. And even though I cannot speak from the extreme case personally, the broad research and wisdom on this tends to say the same thing.

[00:15:07] High pressure and shame increases distress, not resilience. So if achievement, fear is tugging on you, here is a grounding shift. I do not drop expectations. I drop fear on the engine. I keep structure and commitment, and I pair it with warmth. I stop treating performance like an identity, and I start training it.

[00:15:33] Like practice here is a simple way to do that before the thing, whatever it is. Define success in a way. Fear cannot hijack. Success may be showing up, trying one hard thing, being a good teammate, or just simply finishing even if you feel nervous. Then after the thing, whatever it is, do not only ask, did you win?

[00:16:01] Ask where did you show courage? What did you learn? Did you keep going? Children do not thrive when you inject fear. They thrive when they discover competence, belonging, and joy. Costume four is defense parenting. This one shows up when a child’s no feels like a threat. It is fear of judgment and fear of losing control, and I’m raising my hand right now.

[00:16:34] I’m guilty of this. And in my case, it often showed up when I was tired and when I had been snowplowing because when boundaries are weak, most of the day, a toddler or preteens pushback can feel personal. So I would interpret it as not listening or rebellion. Then I would react. I would go from all the patients in the world to no patients at all.

[00:17:02] My voice would get louder, my tone would get sharper, and most of the time the consequence was appropriate, but the way I delivered it was not meaning. It went from no consequence to all the consequence, and there wasn’t really no scaffolding there. But here is what changed when I held strong boundaries more consistently.

[00:17:27] It gave me space to be patient when my toddler and preteen acted rebellious, because I’m not trying to regain authority in the moment. The structure was already there. Strong boundaries are not the opposite of grace. Strong boundaries often create room for grace. So what do we do when we feel the heat rise?

[00:17:53] We regulate first, then we lead. And here’s the simplest version. Exhale longer than you. Inhale feet on the ground and drop your shoulders. Then say one sentence in your head, such as I am safe, my authority is not fragile. Then speak the boundary calmly. And if you blew it, repair and repair can sound like this.

[00:18:22] I should not have raised my voice. I was overwhelmed. The boundary stays, but I am sorry. Repair is not weakness. Repair teaches your child what to do when they are flooded too. And I wanna add one more layer here. A lot of us were taught to stop crying or go away until we could come back composed. We were taught consequences, but not always the skills of coming down from big feelings.

[00:18:53] So when I started learning regulation skills, an adult, I was humbled. I thought I should already know this, but giving myself humility and grace to learn changed my parenting. I started naming the emotion, breathing instead of bracing, praying small prayers in the moment and validating feelings without surrendering the boundary.

[00:19:20] And slowly I learned something important. My kids did not need me to be perfect. They needed me to be clear and steady because a regulated parent becomes a steadier world, not a perfect world, just a steadier one. Now, I want to shift from strategies to something tender because Psalm 56 does not only deal with behavior, it deals with tears.

[00:19:49] David says God counts his wanderings. Then he says something that feels almost shocking. Put my tears in your bottle. David is not pretending he is fine. He is saying God sees every step of this fear. God sees every tear and parents that is conviction and comfort together because if David can trust God inside life and death fear.

[00:20:19] Then we can trust God inside our everyday fear, not because our fear it’s equal, because our God is the same. The spiritual move is the same when I’m afraid I will trust in you. As we come to a close, let’s do what David does in Psalm 56. Not theory, just four moves that David does right here inside the Psalm name, turn.

[00:20:51] Remember, vow David starts by naming the fear and the pressure when I am afraid. That is verse three. So today, name it in one sentence. I’m afraid they will get hurt. I’m afraid I’m failing. I’m afraid I will lose control. And then David turns towards God. I will trust in you in verse three, and later he says, when I cry to you in verse nine, so you turn with one simple prayer.

[00:21:28] God, I’m afraid I trust you or God, I’m crying to you right now. You’re not fixing the fear, you’re just relocating it. Then David loosens fears grip by remembering what God has already done and what God has already said. He is in gas enemy territory, the hometown tied to Goliath, and it is hard not to feel the echo.

[00:21:59] This is the same David who once stood in front of a giant and watched God do the impossible. So when David says, what can mere flesh do to me? He is not saying flesh cannot hurt him. He is saying flesh is not ultimate. And in the Psalm, David keeps saying, I praise God’s word. That is him rehearsing promises.

[00:22:26] So today, remember like David, God has carried me before. God has been faithful before and God has spoken and his word is steadier than my fear. Then take one small action that matches the real size of the moment. Is this a risk my child can see and learn like a skateboard ramp? Or is this a hazard they cannot see or control?

[00:22:53] Use the skateboard test right here. Can they see it? Can they control it? Is it recoverable? Then act from faith, not from panic. And finally, David does not just feel comfort. He commits. Your vows are upon me, oh God. In verse 13, and he ends with purpose in verse 13, that I may walk before God. Now, scripture does treat vows seriously.

[00:23:26] Deuteronomy 2321 through 23 says, do not make vows lightly, and if you do keep it. It also says it is not sin to refrain from vows. So here’s the rule. If you use the word vowel, make it small enough to do today. If that feels too heavy, call it a commitment or a goal instead. Either way, choose one next faithful step you can actually carry.

[00:23:58] Today. I will be clear and kind Today I will repair quickly. Today I will hold the boundary without negotiating today. I will pray before I react. Before we close, I do wanna pray for you. God, you see us, you see the fears we say out loud and the ones we carry quietly. You see the way fear tries to dress itself up, like love, like wisdom, like control.

[00:24:28] Today we want to do what David did. When we are afraid, we want to trust you. Teach us to name what is true without spiraling. Teach us to turn to you first, not last. Teach us to remember your faithfulness, your word, your promises help us honor real risk without beating anxiety. Help us step in when it is a hazard.

[00:24:59] And help us step back when it’s skill building risk. Give us steady voices, clear boundaries, and quick repair. Make our homes steadier. Not because we are perfect, but because you are faithful. Hold our tears. Count our wanderings, be near to us. In Jesus’ name. Amen. David’s fear was real, immediate, and high stakes, and in that fear he turned.

[00:25:36] That is the invitation for us. Not to become fearless, to become faithful. When I’m afraid I will trust in you.

[00:25:58] If this episode met you where you are, share it with a parent who’s carrying heavy fear. And today, when fear shows up dressed like love, tell the truth. Fear is not my shepherd. God is. Until next time, this is cozy conviction.